Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
