Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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