On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
What did we do last night that was yellow?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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