got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
