Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
