Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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