Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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