thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
