Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
