Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
they call him Oral-B. enough said
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
