The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
