In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
