im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
