i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
