they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
