I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
