dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.