The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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