ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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