You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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