is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
