your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
