i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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