U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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