it's not cheating when I paid for it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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