I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
