Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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