i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
