I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.