That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs