After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!