apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize