Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
