she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
