Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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