she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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