Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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