so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
