just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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