i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
