i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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