I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...