she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.