Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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