took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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