I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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