4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
