apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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