You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
