There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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