wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
