seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
