i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
