i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
