I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
