Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
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she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
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Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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