I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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