Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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